***LifeAsItShouldBe***

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i grew up thinking sexy is beautiful.
the more skin i expose—
the skankier i pose—
the sheerer the material—
the bigger the reward, the better the deal.
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i wanted to be wanted.
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i thought a perfectly groomed face—
body hugging, glitters and lace—
will make me desirable,
demandable,
enviable.
.
lovable.
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i pierced my body numerous places—
had it been my temple, i sure caused it too many disgraces.
i wanted to look tough.
i wanted to SHOW i was rough.
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too bad tattoo is permanent—
had it not, i am pretty sure the one i have is uber malignant.
i was not jahiil. i was not ignorant.
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i knew—my god, i know—
i was just obscurant.
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i—
was concealing ME—
from the truth.
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THE TRUTH—
obliterated—
so i can convince myself to focus more on being wanted by men—
than to impress the CREATOR of men.
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i was too worried and disabled.
i was anxious—
and somewhat troubled.
i fear i was invisible.
i was afraid.
but beyond all, i was desperate.
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i scum my body and soul with derailed ideologies of lifestyle.
i divert my aakhirah objectives to worldly things i thought worthwhile.
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i do things even I hate—
so i can please people i don’t even like—
who i knew never would anyways—
no matter how vigorous i tried.
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i just wanted to fit in.
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the easiest way to be accepted was by being popular.
beautiful people are popular.
desirable people are popular.
hip people are popular.
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you have to have something to offer—
so you can be popular.
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i never wanted to be popular.
i just wanted to belong.
anywhere.
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Allah,
bring me back to my past so i can slap the stupidity out of my system.
Allah,
take me to my old self so i can kick me hard and shout “you do NOT want to be them”
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don’t be blinded, i would tell me.
don’t be silly.
don’t be obtuse.
don’t be confused.
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be free from worldly expectation.
be free from all this fictitious visualization.
be not what people want you to be.
be not afraid when you want to say “i want to be me.”
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some people see me today as letting go of myself.
uncool and unhip—
i mean, come on, woman, get a grip!
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but truth be told, i am now unaffected.
thank you, still, you thoughts are much appreciated.
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some people ask me a lot of whys.
as if the blackness of my cloth is a plague—
dangerous, contagious, hazardous, perilous.
i responded with a smile—
at some while, my answers are vague.
.
i have no better answer to any of you—
than what had been written in quran.
i just don’t know, man.
i just don’t— even if I want.
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but one thing i am sure—
i am a lot freer.
i have total control of my body and my mind—
i have no fear.
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no one can dictates me what to do, how to think, when to speak, what to see.
NO ONE.
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no one but me.
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i learn that acceptance does not come from the nodding of people around me—
but my ability to love me.
.
ME.
not my clothes
not my money
not my face
not my body.
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but ME.
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i am EXACTLY how Allah made me. i am NOT a mistake.
i am EXACTLY how Allah wanted me to be—
anything he gives—
i will take.
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all flawed and faulted.
all different and distorted.
validation is man-made and contorted.
Allah had love me LONG before I existed!
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i stopped disrespecting myself with this expectation to be perfect—
for the expectation of perfection is nothing more but goods sold by merchants.
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“buy this!”
“wear this!”
“consume this!”
“apply this!”
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who says all this hearsay?
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you buy this, you will be desirable.
you wear this, you will be demandable.
you consume this, you will be enviable.
you apply all these—
you will be lovable.
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NO!
I BOUGHT—
I WORE—
I CONSUMED!
so WHY was I—
undesirable still?
undemandable still?
unenviable still?
unlovable still?
unhappy—
still?
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i did EVERYTHING the world tells me to be.
be pretty, be cheap, be bright, be sexy.
be everything by the book—
be sure to focus on how i look.
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i forgot what fades first are always the exterior,
before everything else, damaged are the outer.
i fail to remember i am not my cover layer—
i was deafened by the lies of those soothsayers.
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i am not defined by the surface of my skin—
i am the core of me—
hidden within.
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and whatever you have been given—
are all worldly comforts and extravagance—
when what Allah has with him are way better—
and definitely will last a lot longer.
have you then no sense?
al qasas 60, what’s our defense?
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let us stop chasing unbeneficial objectives,
be enough, feel enough
ENJOY what Allah gives.
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hasbunallaah wani’mal wakeel.
enough for us Allah—
he is sufficient, he is the guardian—
and he is the most excellent.
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if you have to be pretty to be desirable,
if you have to be cheap to be demandable,
if you have to be bright to be enviable,
if you have to be sexy to be lovable.
then you are giving yourself to the wrong people.
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define your own happiness,
choose to be happy.
on your term.
for illahi.